Divorced Christian Dating
DivorcedChristianWomen.com is an online dating & personal service that caters to “PRO MARRIAGE MINDED CHRISTIAN SINGLES”. If you are intending to date with the full intention to get married, this is the site that you belong to. If not, this site is not for you. Christian Connection is an award-winning Christian dating website in the UK, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, USA and Canada. Since the UK launch in 2000, thousands of Christians have found friendship, love and marriage through the site. Find over 34 Divorced,Single,Never Married Christian Singles groups with 18408 members near you and meet people in your local community who share your interests. Starting a relationship with divorced Christian singles is a great idea, especially if you already have something in common i.e. You are Christian or divorced as well. However, before you start looking for divorced Christian singles, take a look at some tips that will make your dating experience even better. Divorce is a touchy subject for Christians. Some believe that, once married, a person is never free to marry again unless their spouse dies – and no exceptions. Others believe God doesn’t condemn us to be single forever if we, or our former spouse, made mistakes or behaved badly.
Five friends and I were having breakfast one morning when our conversation turned to our friend Cindy.* She was convinced divorce was the answer to her problems.
'I wish Cindy would listen to us,' I said.
'She made it clear she doesn't want to hear anything from us divorcées,' said Betsy. 'She's made up her mind, and she's not changing it.'
That morning, in utter frustration, my friends and I compiled a list: what we wish we'd known before we got divorced—the things we wanted Cindy to know before she made her final decision. Each of us had experienced the upheaval of divorce and watched 12 of our close friends' second marriages end.
We all knew Cindy wasn't casually deciding to end her marriage—few people do. Divorce is one of the most agonizing choices a couple makes. We understood the anger, panic, abandonment, and feelings of being trapped that lead many people to divorce. But we'd also experienced the 'other side' of being single again. We'd seen the lives of our children changed forever. Years later, we continue to live with the ongoing pain and complications of a destroyed marriage.
As a licensed psychologist, I've heard many people consider the possibility of ending their marriage. They look at divorce as a solution to their marital woes, a viable answer to their pain and frustration. Ultimately, however, it creates only different problems. In a recent study by the Institute for American Values chaired by sociologist Linda Waite of the University of Chicago, researchers asked, 'Does divorce make people happy?' They found that those who ended their troubled marriage in divorce weren't any happier than those who remained married. In fact, two-thirds of those who stayed married reported happy marriages five years later.
Here's the list we compiled for Cindy.
1. Life Will Change More than You Realize
'I thought I'd enjoy being alone,' says Lori, who has never remarried. 'But I'm lonely. Whenever my friends complain about how needy their husbands or children are, I say, 'Try living without that.'
Andy, like Lori, hasn't remarried. 'I didn't expect to miss odd things like the towels folded neatly, shopping for groceries together, or the Saturday routine we'd established,' he says. After his divorce, Andy realized how much the familiar, everyday things of married life meant to him.
Add children to the equation, and the result is even stickier. Instead of two people parenting your children, if you have custody, you're left to do it all—alone. You become the sole breadwinner, spiritual advisor, disciplinarian, and housekeeper. The stress levels of this responsibility can become staggering.
Then there are the scheduling dilemmas. Recently, my friend Betsy and I were discussing how complicated it can be to see our sons during a short college break. Although we both cooperate with our ex-husbands, we still ache as we watch our innocent children bear the heavy responsibility of carefully doling out their time between the families in an effort not to alienate either parent.
Although the everyday occurrences can create plenty of challenges after divorce, the special occasions are worse. Every birthday, holiday, wedding, or funeral is a potential nightmare. Allison told me, 'At my future daughter-in-law's wedding, she's planning to walk down the aisle by herself because she has multiple fathers and is torn between her allegiances. My heart breaks for her.' These problems don't end when the children grow up and marry. The hassles continue with the grandchildren.
Even if you remarry, the consequences of your divorce continue to impact your life. Jan Coleman, author of After the Locusts, was single again for 12 years before marrying Carl. As good as her present marriage is, she doesn't hesitate to say what a dramatic change it made in her life.
'Yes, you can love and trust again,' she says. 'But the first marriage is God's best, his design. We weren't meant to give up on it but to work through all the struggles to God's glory and our best. The tearing of the flesh may heal, but the scars are always there. Remarriage can be great in many ways if you marry for the right reasons, but it's still not the same.'
2. Your Life Won't Be More Carefree
As a self-confident, independent woman with a fast-moving career and no children, Stephanie couldn't wait to be free of the pain of her dying marriage.
'I would no longer have to put with up his problems,' she says. 'I'd be able to do what I wanted when I wanted. But after the divorce, it was my career and my home that began to hold me hostage. I was imprisoned by all the things I thought made me look good.'
Divorce never brought the carefree lifestyle Stephanie had expected.
There are those seemingly hidden emotional wounds that can pop open when we least expect or which we learn to expect on special anniversaries. Jan Coleman says, 'Every Christmas, I become depressed. After 20 years it still hits me suddenly, without warning. I was first married in December, and my childhood sweetheart left me for another woman 15 Decembers later. Every year I have a weepy week.'
Jan's second husband understands and gives her the space 'to grieve again for the loss of that ideal family I spent my life imagining. There are times when it hits him too. You're never free from the effects of that broken first marriage.'
I know this truth from personal experience. Recently, I began dating someone who's divorced. Because of our pasts, we have several barriers in our current relationship—one of which is the fear of trusting and loving again.
3. You Trade One Set of Problems for Another
Even the most amiable break-ups bring deep wounds. There are always consequences to divorce.
'What I didn't anticipate,' says Brad, who hasn't remarried, 'was the way my friends perceived me. All of a sudden I became damaged goods. One couple, who'd been my close friends for 20 years, became cool toward me after the divorce.'
There's a ripple effect. Your divorce doesn't just affect you and your spouse. It affects everyone around you. Friends often feel as if they must pick sides, so they keep their distance. Relationships with those who do remain loyal change abruptly. Church friends may stay away, feeling uncomfortable. And family members who've grown to love and care for the ex feel forced to 'divorce' as well.
Then there are the financial ramifications. Dividing the assets isn't always done equitably. Vern was left with only 31 percent of his retirement account even though his ex-wife worked and they had no children together. At the age of 49, this circumstance was a blow to his retirement plans.
If there's a remarriage, blending children from previous marriages brings problems that can range from emotional chaos to stoic tolerance. A recently remarried friend said, 'My life is more complicated than ever. I've put all this effort into a new marriage, but we're struggling. My new stepson ignores me. His attitude is 'I'm here to be with my dad and that's it.' I feel horrible—like a second-class citizen in my own home.'
4. Feelings Can Be Deceiving
Kathy, who was in her twenties and newly married, learned that following her feelings can have tragic consequences.
'My husband was away a lot, and most evenings I was home alone. I felt lonely and empty. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and wondered why I ever got married.
'When I met a man who made me feel alive and passionate about life, I concluded these feelings of excitement confirmed I was no longer in love with my husband.
'Rather than praying and giving my concerns to God, I took the situation in my own hands and moved out. I was convinced I'd made a mistake in getting married.'
Still single five years later, Kathy wishes some wise woman would have come alongside her, prayed with her, and gently reminded her that love is a choice and a commitment, not an emotion.
When my son was six years old, he'd complain about being disciplined for disobeying what he called my 'stupid rules.' Over and over I'd repeat, 'Kyle, I'm being short-term mean, but long-term nice.'
Like children, we sometimes allow our desire for momentary pleasure to pull us from God's best. Rather than doing the hard work it takes to invest daily in our marriage, we make seemingly innocent decisions thinking they'll do no harm.
Dating After Divorce For Men
Our friend Cindy didn't listen to us. She opted for the divorce. Sadly she wasn't willing to persevere and uncover the lost treasures that first drew her and her husband together. With God's help, her current pain or discontentment could have been transformed into long-term joy and abundant blessings. As my son learned many years ago, short-term pain can indeed lead to long-term gain.
Georgia Shaffer, author of A Gift of Mourning Glories: Restoring Your Life After Loss (Vine Brooks), is a speaker and licensed psychologist in Pennsylvania. Visit Georgia at www.GeorgiaShaffer.com.
*Names have been changed.
Read more articles that highlight writing by Christian women at ChristianityToday.com/Women
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Are you Dating Divorced Christians?
Dating Divorced Christians looking for advice on…….
Or just looking for more information about the book Risking Romance Again
Then read on
Dating Divorced Christians, If you’re a divorced Christian then you probably know that most advice about dating after divorce is pretty gun-ho. Those who give it seem to be confident people with sorted out lives and generally up-beat about the whole process – but what about the rest of us? For many, dating divorced Christians is like jumping into a swimming pool at night – with no idea whether it’s the deep or shallow end we are leaping into. Perhaps we will sink without trace? Maybe we will land, all too soon, with a spine-jarring jolt? The truth is that dating as a divorced Christian at any age can be scary, and dating after divorce is in a league of its own.
Looking for a new YOU?
Most of us, once we have struggled through a marriage break-up, take a hard look at ourselves in the mirror and make some decisions. Getting fit, losing weight, buying new clothes and getting a new hair-style are all symbols of how different we want the future to be. Six months later, we look in the mirror again and feel ready for new friendships… and who knows, maybe more?
Has the experience of dating been something like this?
We prepare ourselves for dating divorced Christians by looking ahead. We want to leave the past behind (and move on from elements of the present we don’t like), so we establish a new image, sort out conversational gambits about music, books, films (and so forth) and make decisions about places to meet and levels of physical contact. This kind of preparation can be thought of as establishing our personal rules of play in order to create a new future. Our date, however, is probably doing exactly the same thing – so when we meet, it feels as if we are both playing different games – very possibly with two different sets of rules! Instead of meeting in the middle with friendly (or even intimate) contact, the date feels like lobbing information at each other from a distance. Why is the date like this?
- Because we have failed to face the past (and some of the present), we have both concentrated on the externals.
- Because we are out of touch with our own internals, we have little to share.
- Because there is no mutual sharing of anything internal, the date feels like an impersonal game.
On our first date, it may dawn on us that all is not as we thought. We look the part (this is who we want to be from now on) and yet the more we talk (or the more tongue-tied we become!) the more we feel just like ‘me’. After all that hard work, maybe we haven’t really changed ourselves at all? It helps to realise that most advice about dating after divorce deals only with the externals of how we look and how we interact with others. Perhaps as well as puffing around the gym we should do some ‘internal’ exercise too? Maybe a good look at how we tick will also be time well spent?
Looking for a new experience?
Most dating after divorce advice presumes that everyone dated in the past – so all that is needed is some confidence boosting allied to the brushing up of old skills. In reality, a significant number of divorcees have never dated before. When they were in their teens, or early twenties, they got to know people at school, college or work; at their youth club, karate class or church; and then, over a period of time, these relationships turned into ‘going out’. In spite of what the media portrays a surprising number of people only go out with a few people before they settle down with the person they will marry. For these people, the idea of meeting someone for the first time on a date is quite foreign. Dating can then feel like plate spinning because there are so many things to remember (don’t talk too much but be interesting; flirt a bit; be interested in your date; don’t reveal everything all at once; don’t spill your drink) and to make it worse the stakes feel very high. What if this person is ‘the one’ but they are scared off because we keep the wrong plates spinning while the important ones crash to the ground?
Dating after divorce
People are complicated, and a marriage break-up introduces extra complications. Relationships are complex even for single people, (if they weren’t, very few novels would be published!) but ‘complex’, and even ‘difficult’ is worthwhile. Every human being is an individual, but when two individuals become one in a relationship the end result is greater than the sum of the parts. That’s why so many of us want to share our lives with another person. It is costly, complex and often difficult – but worth it. Dating is just the first step (in a journey which may lead towards a relationship, or away from it) but the date is itself ‘of the same kind’ as the potential relationship (costly, complex, often difficult, but worthwhile). Any advice which makes dating after divorce sound easy should therefore be treated with acute skepticism before being consigned, with all due ceremony, to the bin!
Dating, for the young and single, is a matter of establishing trust and risking the possibility of romance. Dating after divorce is less straightforward though, because divorcees have experienced both the loss of trust and broken romance. It is therefore important to understand the internals of new friendships and potential relationships as well as the externals of social contact.
friendsfirst is currently undertaking some research about the issues divorced and separated people face when trying to find new friends. If you would like to participate in the survey click here.
Risking Romance Again written by David J Robertson
If everything you have read so far is sounding all a little familiar, then reading ‘Risking Romance Again – Dating after Divorce’ would certainly be our recommendation. It is written by Revd David J Robertson and he is able to write based on his experiences as a Divorced Christian. David is an ordained minister in the Church of England, he has been divorced and met his second wife through friendsfirst (Heavenly partners parent company). Using his pastoral experience and personal experience he is able to give insights accumulated from himself and others coming to terms with their own marital break ups and then going on the develop new relationships. It is specifically tailored to those facing dating after divorce and seeking to understand the personal effects divorce can have.
To read more about David and see his story, click here
Details:
‘Risking Romance Again – Dating after Divorce’
Divorced Christian Dating
ISBN-13:978-0-9552164-1-1
Price €11.00 including P&P
To order your copy direct from the publishers ring 015 314 997 or click on this link to request a copy
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